Saturday, November 12, 2011

She's that girl I wanna be

Hajar turned 12 last Thursday. The birthday girl was sick throughout the weekend before her birthday. So did the birthday girl's mom. So there was definitely no big brouhahaha on the celebration. But we did celebrated. Bits and pieces. Here and there. And I guess my kids are used to it by now. As much as birthday being one of those special days, I strongly believed it shouldn't be overhyped and overrated. Let's keep it small and personal okay :)
Hajar always complain I didn't give her much attention. Didn't praise her when it's due. Didn't notice the good stuffs she has done. Didn't acknowledge the milestones she has achieved. Didn't express my love to her frequent enough. The list goes on. And on.

Well, she's quite right actually. In between me getting too overwhelmed attending the needier ones and juggling my study with housechores, she is always left on her own. There is always more urgent matters for me to attend to. Like the cranky dyslexic sister throwing tantrums...and throwing everything she can find in her room, or the grumpy little "diva" sister hollering to the world she needs somebody to play with her, or the hormone raging "I'm pissed with everybody" sulky teenage brother. Most of the times, Hajar has very little issues. Ironically, being a very good girl also means she will be overlooked most of the time. By me and Mr O. In our mad chaotic household.

I am not good in expressing myself. Probably that statement is too generous. The real truth is I am really crappy at it. Public display of affections make me cringe. And I can be very awkward in a relationship. Ain't good with people either. Sometimes, for an unfathomable reason, whenever it get too close and personal, I conciously distance myself from people. And ironically, Mr O is quite similar to me. Social misfit. Emotional retard. Who fits in with each other perfectly. So expressing feelings to my kids will not be natural. I google the net, scour the magazines and read voraciously to figure out how to express feelings, and make them feel loved. And it ain't easy. Bad habits die hard.

People always think she and Emily are twin. The teachers get confuse all the time. It annoys the hell out of her. They might look similar physically, yet so different personally.
Among my kids, she resembles me the most. She's so much like me. But a MILLION times better.
Like me, she's short (hahaha), talks a lot, hot headed, scatterbrain at times, extremely passionate, emotional, annoyingly idealist, very very loyal and a BIG dreamer. But unlike me, she is a confident young girl who is very comfortable being herself. At 12, all I wanna be is to be like everybody. To blend in and be accepted. I let others define what is best for me. Who I should be.
Hajar is very sure of herself. She has her doubts from time to time. But most of the time, she will listen to her heart and make her decision. Not by following her friends, or the crowd. But by being true to herself. It doesn't bother her that she's using a cheap phone or a cheap shoes. And that makes my heart swell with pride.

When she has to make a choice whether to be a school prefect or a librarian, she chose the latter because she like the job. Despite the former being a more popular choice among her friends. When I cried buckets because of Emily, she sneaked me a letter consoling me and promising me good stuffs to make me feels better. When she need to choose what extracurricular activities she will join, she conciously chose those that will allow her to comply with the religion most. Although she hasn't wear her hijab yet, she conciously make effort to be modest in her dressing. Without me telling. Like if her sleeves are too short, or the top too tight, she will cover herself with a jacket. When I felt so shitty and tired, she washed the dishes and cleaned up the table voluntarily. Many times, she effortlessly step up to be the mother whenever I am not around. (Though sometimes she can be really power crazy and over do it....hahahaha). Her tok ayah speaks very highly about her. How reliable and responsible she is with the siblings whenever I am not around. In a time of need, I know I can always count on her.
It's insanely important for me to raise my daughters to be true to themselves. Coz I know that low self esteem is a beast that will haunt u for life. Especially girls. You can mask yourself with Gucci and Prada and Chanel and the bling-blings, but u will never be good enough, or pretty enough, or acceptable enough. You lie to yourself constantly u r happy with yourself, u r okay, u feel great, but the truth is you never like that person u see in the mirror everyday. And I have been that person. And I thank God everyday that I am not that person anymore.

And I thank God for the opportunities to talk about these stuffs with her. For all the conversations that we had. About friends, best friends, friend she should be....friends she shouldn't be. About the struggle some of her friends go through. And the struggle that she go through. Self esteem. Break up in the family. Rich kids. Spoilt brat. Good girls. Boyfriends. Should she? Shouldn't she? Sexualization of girls. Hijab. Modesty. Being thankful. And grateful. Life purpose. etc.etc.etc.etc. And I pray for many more. Keep talking to me girl.

It's no coincident she was named after one of the greatest lady in history whose story of strong willness was relived every year during the "sa'ie" by every pilgrims during hajj. Every pilgrims perform "sa'ie", running or walking seven times between the hills of Safa and Marwah to re-enact the frantic search for water for her son Ishmael (a.s) by Hajar.

To me, Hajar Nadhirah simply means that girl I wanna be when I was 12. Happy birthday love. We love u LOTTTSS. U know that right??
Keep rocking the world!! ;)

4 comments:

  1. salam.. ur entry made me cry. i have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and i hope she grows up to be like hajar.. u're so lucky to have a great daughter! owh, btw.. i'm a friend of onn's.. he introduced me to ur blog recently - i fell in love with ur writing rightaway.. =) keep on writing ya..

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  2. salam lina. isk3 suami ku itewww....tak pasal2 pulok gi promote blog I...hahahaha...dia tu kdg2 bengong sket....wakakaka....anyway..blog I ni kdg2 byk merapu...kalau boleh diambik pengajaran, silalah...kalau merepek tu ignore je lah...hihihi....don't worry...your daughter will be better than my Hajar insyaAllah ;)

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  3. beautiful post about your daughter..here you've expressed so well your feelings and thoughts about her. hope she reads it and knows how much her mama loves her. :)

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  4. Hi Martha...believe it or not? I just found your blog this morning...such a coincidence right?? ;) I was looking for info on turtle sighting...one blog lead to another and I found yours. Nice blog too ;)

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