Saturday, December 31, 2011

Gaaahhhhh!!

It's 23 minutes past midnight. The last day of the year. Everybody has finally dozed off. Emily just got up for another round of vomiting. And now is sleeping on the sofa coz her bed is stained with the vomit. There's a nasty bug going around the house. Medina has been sick for few days. On and off. When she's off she needs her mommy. And only mommy....(SIGH!!). Mr O has just recovered. After 2 days of frequent trips to the loo. And Emily just took over around 10pm. Great. Just what I need.

And I am feeling queasy too. Not quite sure whether it's due to the nasty bug OR the literature review draft that I am working on right now. The literature review is so long overdue that the thought of it makes me wanna puke. And I am going through the same piles of scientific papers again. Trying to understand the molecular mechanism of apoptosis. Trying to make sense of how the down regulation or upregulation of certain genes and oncoproteins leads to the growth suppressive effects of my compound of interest. The more I read, the more confused I became. Gaaahhhhhh!!

It's not easy to be a mother and do your PhD. At 38yo. But I shouldn't be complaining. Some of my friends are in worse scenarios. I am under pressure. But not as much as most people. If I am tied up to any institution and need to start working once I completed my doctorate OR I am away in overseas, OR working under a lousy supervisor from hell... the pressure would have been much2 greater. On normal days, I would count my blessings. But there are days where I would snap. Like today.

I was so stressed with the loads of stuffs that need to be done. Lab works, papers to read, info to digest, supervisor chasing for results and reminding me deadlines for the umpteenth time, house chores, sick kids, sick husband, etc etc etc. The list seems like it's never ending. And seems like it all has to be done by me. ALONE. So I let it out on the kids.

Booohooo!! And now I feel so shitty.

I hate it when I was nasty to them and end up feeling so shitty and wish I could be nicer. And it only start to make sense when I am all alone. Not when u r in the thick of it. It's so hard in real life. To a mere mortal like me. Ain't a supermom or Stepford wife material. Especially when they are constantly bickering at each other, or u need to give them reasons for them to help u out, or u have to redo chores that they eventually did coz it's done for the sake of just getting it done....and shutting me up.....aaaahhhhhh....the life of a mother :P

And ironically, this was the book I randomly picked for Medina's bed time story.
And this was not the first time. I have picked up this book a few times for her bed time story. And that few times happened to be the time when I was feeling as shitty as tonight. Kinda freaky. It's like God is trying to tell me something.

It's a silly book. Told in a very over simplistic manner. On positive reinforcement. How seeing the good in the kid changed Edwardo from the horriblest boy in the whole wide world to the nicest boy in the whole wide world. Seriously, it doesn't makes me feel any better. It makes me feel shittier.

Coincidentally, I read this yesterday. Is your child a stranger?

The writer was asking:
“Do I treat my children with the respect with which I would treat a stranger?”
"Do We Treat Our Children With Respect?"
"Do I treat strangers with more respect than my own children?"
I probably should extend the question to "Do I treat my husband like stranger?"

Her write up makes so much sense. It was a slap on my face. Actually I was thinking about it a lot today. But in moment of stress, and insanity, and dirty dishes and piles of laundry and kids' endless bickerings......I forgotten all about it. And I'm back to my "mommy from hell" mode.

Oh well...let's do it again tomorrow. One bad day. Hopefully tomorrow is better.
At the mean time, let's continue working on those papers shall we??? Let's get it done with.












2 comments:

  1. Harap2 semua dah sihat ... :) moga Allah mudahkan segala yang baik.

    Luv ur writings ...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Terima kasih for the doa. Happy New Year ;)

    ReplyDelete