Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Death and grateful.

I thought about death a lot lately. Death has been a recurring news to me for the past few weeks. Last month, a dear friend lost her battle with cancer and passed away. On Friday, a school friend fell in the bathroom and passed away. On Saturday, a friend's mother passed away. And a school friend's husband had a heart attack. Last night he passed away.

Most of them were in their 30's and 40's. People do die young. It's a crude reminder to me. Facebook probably makes it much easier to keep in touch with the happenings of people. Including people that are not so close to me. People I haven't been keeping in touch with in the real world. People that I get acquainted virtually.

Nevertheless, it's a reminder that death is certain. Looming over me all the time. I always take for granted that I have the luxury of time. I will grow old with Mr O and watch the kids grow. And watch my grand kids grow. Do all the things in my bucket list. Which is pretty long BTW. Before I politely say goodbye to the world and move on.

The blatant truth is I can die anytime. And if I die today, my last word to my loved ones is probably not a very nice one. It will probably be one of these;

"Tuck in your shirt !!"

"Tie your shoe lace"

"Comb your hair!!"

"Hurry up".....and after a while it will be "Can u freaking hurrrryyyyyyy uppp???"

"Get out of the bathroom. NOW!!"

"Finish your food. Eat the veges. And the fish pleaseee???"

"Who didn't clean the dishes in the sink????"

U get the drift right?

The irony is, I am fully aware of how petty all these things are. How insignificant it is to get things done according to "MY" standard. And yet, in the thick of it, it just seems freaking necessary. In fact, it's ESSENTIAL. It's like, Luqman will only turn out to be a good person if he tuck his shirt properly. And Hajar will turn out good if she learn how to comb her hair & tie her shoe lace properly. To be honest, as I am writing this, jotting down all these depressingly sad and painful thoughts, I have a hanger by my side. My magic wand trying to get Emily to clean up her room. And she's sulking while doing it. Probably cursing me silently too. It's the usual morning chaos. Sighhhhhhh.....

My late mother in law passed away 10 years ago. Luqman was 4yo++ and Hajar was 2yo++. Emily was 8 months old. Hajar & Emily had no memory of her. They were probably just too young. The only memory Luqman had of my late MIL was not a very nice one.

Although as a family, we are not that close but my kids had the privilege of being the only grand kids for a while. For both families. Mine & Mr O's. So naturally they were spoiled with all the attentions from the grand parents and the uncles and the aunties. My late MIL was a doting grand mother. I remember watching her singing nursery rhymes to the kids. Playing silly with the kids. She was with me in the labour room when I gave birth to Luqman. Sadly, the only memory Luqman had of her was the incidence she told him off for whining too much. I totally cannot recall. But he did.

Every time we talked about it, he will try to soften it and say.."Yeah ummi, people said she's really nice to me. And did lots of great stuffs. But I really cannot remember"

It's really sad. But I cannot change his memory. And shamefully, I don't even have pictures of her with the grand kids. Psychologically, human tend to remember bad incidence more than the good. So it probably make sense why Luqman cannot remember. So the only way to create good memories is probably to leave no room for bitter memories. Or realistically, very little room.

It's definitely easier said than done. I am just going to take one step at a time. Learn to laugh more. Learn to ignore. Learn not to be petty. Learn to tell my loved ones good things every day. Learn to live the moment. Joie de vivre. Learn to be grateful and thankful of the little2 things that we have.

Grateful of things like, my kids have the best dad in the world.

Flaws and all, I think he's perfect for the job. Despite him automatically turning off into mute mode at his own convenience. Which is pretty often BTW :P
Somebody told me over the weekend, in marriage it's better to be happy than to be right. After 16 years, I totally agree. One of the things I am very grateful about Mr O is how supportive he is of his crazy wife...ha3 ;-) Despite our lack of similarities. Whenever I want to do something, he will argue and turn into an MCP and switch off and turn mute and ignore me and argue again. But in the end, (most of the times) he will still oblige.

He will do things like waking up early in the morning on a weekend to watch bird in Lake Garden coz his crazy wife wanted to.
Or go round and round Kota Bharu looking for a wayang kulit gallery coz his crazy wife think it's interesting for the kids ;-)
Or drag everybody to our weekly tafseer class. Although everybody is freaking tired and some of the kids will doze off because it's a week day night. Coz his crazy wife thinks the family should.
On certain things, my kids can relate to him more than they can relate to me. Most of the times, I am the serious one in the house. He's the Joker & the Fun Guy.

He's Hajar's cycling buddy.
And Luqman's guitar partner.
And Medina's computer buddy.
If they want to fix their song list in their ipod or download new games or buy new apps or outdo each other in computer games, he's the one they turn to. If he annoys them, I am the one they turn to. Kids love him. Though they don't really say. We are dysfunctional that way. It's still awkward to say it out loud. But I know they love him. They love making fun of him too.

So that's how it works in our house. It's far from perfect but I should be grateful. And I am. I pray the great memories will outnumber the bad memories. I pray my kids will remember the good stuffs. Not the nagging and screaming and pinching and mommy from hell stuffs.

O Allah, thank u. And make us the grateful ones. Amin.

BTW, Happy Father's day Mr O!! ;-)

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